So it's been 4 months...

First of all let me say, how do people shower exercise think have intelligent conversation blog with a newborn baby in their house? I've never figured that out!

Now that I've got that off my chest...
We've been home 4 months and I'm just now starting to feel like we have our feet on solid ground again. To say that bringing Cora home threw us for a loop would be a major understatement. No matter how prepared you think you are, having two kids is a major adjustment! That being said, things seem to finally be normalizing and we are starting to enjoy Cora more and more. We aren't sleeping much at night (still) but I think we're making progress and that's what counts at this point.

The adjustment to bringing Cora home has been made more difficult by an abbreviated maternity leave (8 weeks instead of the 12 I had scheduled). Now that I am fully back to work and we have more of a routine we are starting to feel more and more like family.

I am the first to admit it was not an instantaneous event. I wasn't entirely connected with Ella at birth either, but the bonding with Cora has happened slower than I would have liked. I have often felt frustrated by this since I always (naively) assumed that because I am adopted I would bond with an adopted child perfectly and immediately. Not so. I am also realizing that bonding is a "two steps forward, 3 steps back" sort of process and "feeling" bonded isn't always the best measuring stick by which I should define how well we are doing.

So, in short, we are now over the biggest hurdle of adjusting to Cora being home and are finally seeing the fruits of our proverbial "labor" with Cora. She is an incredible little girl and we love seeing her personality develop. We are truly blessed and despite how difficult the last few months have been, it has mostly been that way because of my attitude and my own selfishness. I have realized things are slowly improving at the same rate I am letting go of my unrealistic expectations and showing myself more grace. We are truly blessed and feeling more prepared for the days ahead.

And I figured it might be time for an updated picture! Here's our little lady in her Easter dress.

"It's just so hard being a big sister sometimes"

Recently, after a particularly tearful and frustrating day, Ella approached me fully dressed in a princess ball gown and tiara. She had tears in her eyes and said "Mommy, it's just so hard being a big sister sometimes." She proceeded to tell me that she wanted to be the one to change the baby's diaper and feed all of the bottles. She said, "You get to do all of the big sister stuff!" Of course my first inclination was just to laugh because it was so cute but I realized to her these were real struggles. She genuinely wanted to care for Cora and it was incredibly touching to see how real her desire is to be the big sister.

Later that night as I was downloading recent pictures from our camera, I ran across this one.

I held my breath. It was almost identical to my favorite picture of me and my sister. It still catches me by surprise each time I see it. The innocence is breathtaking and so incredibly bittersweet.

After I studying those two images, I couldn't help but agree. Being a big sister is hard. Harder than I could have imagined. You can't always be the protector, teacher, or confidant. You can't always reminisce about the past or tell each other secrets or remember a shared history.

It's sometimes heartbreaking to watch these two little girls forge such a bond and not let the cynic or grief-stricken part of me ruin these times of innocence. I often fight back tears as I realize I have no idea or control over what sort of bond these two will have. Or how they will hurt each other or how close their relationship will be. The only thing I can hope is that they will share fond memories of a childhood filled with the partnership and companionship of a sister. The rest is too difficult to fathom right now.

But I was recently reminded of the poem "Goblin Market" that I read in a Victorian literature class in college. It's the cautionary tale of two sisters, Laura and Lizzie. In the poem, Laura becomes deathly ill as a result of tasting the forbidden fruit. Lizzie, in a final effort to save her sister, returns to the market and is nearly killed herself by the goblins but manages to save her sister's life.

The poem ends as the two women are both mothers and look back on the experience and tell their children:

"For there is no friend like a sister,
In calm or stormy weather,
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands."

Almost a month already?

Well it's been almost a month since we brought our dear Cora home. Between hosting both sets of our parents, Christmas, and adjusting to life with a newborn, the last three weeks have been a whirlwind.
We are so grateful to finally be done with the waiting! However we have definitely found there were a lot of things we have forgotten about having a newborn. In addition to being up quite a bit at night, we are still trying to figure out how to parent two kids at the same time. Needless to say, there are moments I have felt like I am not prepared for this!

However, what has been most interesting to realize there has been a shift. A subtle one, but a shift nonetheless. We are no longer perceived as just another seemingly "normal" family. We get some interesting comments and stares when we are out with our little brood. Mostly positive and a ton of questions but it has been interesting getting used to the attention and questions.

We are trying to be very open and upfront in our discussions with people. The mostly commonly asked questions is "Where is she from?" followed closely by "Whose baby is that?". We are not offended of course and are trying to use these questions as a way to open the dialogue about adoption and our experience.

It has been interesting to see the assumptions people make about Cora's birth mother and we are quick to put those to rest. For such a brave act, there seems to be so many negative misconceptions about birth mothers, their lifestyles and choices. While respecting her privacy, we always want to be sure people know hers was a selfless, well-contemplated choice.

All in all, we are learning to adjust to being a family of 4 and learning that most people are curious, not malicious, in their questions. It has been an eye opening few weeks and I have a feeling this is only the beginning.

Cora's "Gotcha Day"

Ella has thought a lot about being a big sister. Here is Ella's message to Cora on her "Gotcha Day" 12/9/2011.

Introducing Cora Kalyn

This has been an amazing process.Our family has seen God's provision in so many ways through this journey. Many of our friends have come alongside us and helped us get to this day. I am honestly speechless. We are so in love. Without further ado...

Cora Kalyn Emhoff
born 11/9/11 and welcomed home 12/9/11

We Exceeded Our Goal

Wow! Thank all of you who sponsored puzzle pieces! We are so humbled by the incredible response to our fundraising efforts. Thank you for everyone who emailed, wrote kind notes, donated and prayed for us. We raised a total of $6535 toward the cost of our adoption! What an amazing group of friends and family we have. We couldn't be more amazed by the generosity people have show to our family. Thank you more than we can express. We are making plans to assist other adoptive families financially in the future. Stay tuned for more information on that in the coming months!

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory." Ephesians 3:20-21

When Joy Is Hard to Find

So after spending a month writing and thinking about gratitude and working to live out of a more grateful heart, you would think I would be ready to think about Joy.

Think again.

While I have absolutely no reason to be irritable or discontent, I have found over the last several days that my mood has soured and I am incredibly "un-joyful". I'm frustrated that Little E seems to have forgotten how to obey. I'm frustrated by things that are out of my control at work. I am irritated that clutter seems to invade my house when I am already feeling maxed out.

However, it seems that the biggest threat to Joy in my life is my preoccupation with myself. I am most often joyless when I am focused on what will make my life easier or pleasurable.

John Ortberg says, "True joy, as it turns out, comes only to those who have devoted their lives to something greater than personal happiness." He goes on to say, "If we don't rejoice today, we will not rejoice at all. If we wait until conditions are perfect, we will still be waiting when we die." That is me to a T.
For so long I have told myself (consciously and unconsciously) that when my house is updated, when I have an advanced degree, when our adoption is finalized, when I have a prestigious job, when we have more money or when I finally become the person I want to be, then and only then, I will be happy and be joyful. Perhaps I don't say those things but all too often my actions reflect these whispers of my heart.

So I'm starting to think Joy is a choice. And a tough one that seems to take some practice. One that frankly, I haven't felt like making lately. So here's to practice!

Today, despite how I feel, I'm choosing Joy. I'm going to start by eating the 5 remaining Thin Mint cookies in my cupboard and conquering my to-do list for work. I am ignoring (for the moment) the state of clutter in my house and the clothes that need to get to the dry cleaners. I will pick up Little E from pre-school today with a smile on my face and genuinely appreciate her constant chatter in the car. Things aren't perfect (and really they never will be) so today I'm choosing Joy.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving we are celebrating with Seth's family. Every year since we have been married I have cooked the whole Thanksgiving meal but for some reason this year, I just couldn't get up the motivation. So, we invited ourselves to NY to spend time with family. (Don't you love in-laws like that?)

Over the last few weeks/months, I have been thinking a lot about gratitude and living out of a spirit of contentment. It's so easy to fall into a place where desires slowly (or quickly in some cases) become "needs". It's so easy to blame consumerism, Black Friday and the retailers that entice us with their wares, but those things only play into the deeper issues that take up residence in our hearts. Please don't get me wrong, giving gifts is wonderful and I think when it is done well is an incredible blessing. But why do we buy? Is it because of how it makes us feel? What it says about us or our ability to buy? Is it just because we can't help ourselves?
I am as vulnerable as the next person. I see commercials for an ipad or a new car and for a split second, I can't help but picture myself and how fun it would be to have more. I look at the ads for clothing and think how much better I would feel about myself if I dressed like that. But those desires only speak to my insecurities and don't add any value to my life. I read this quote recently and it has been in my mind quite a bit over the last several days.


"We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it."

Wow, training myself to not want something can be as fulfilling as not possessing it? I'm not sure this applies to everything, but I think replacing the object of my desire with something more fulfilling certainly increases my contentment with what I already have.

So as an act of discipline, I am making an effort to make the holidays about something else. I read a blog recently where the blogger said she is striving to "Do Less, Be More" and make the holidays about presence over presents. I like that idea. It's something I want to start as a tradition in our family.
So as a first stab at this, we delivered meals to elderly people on Wednesday. It didn't take much time and I would love to have done something more but it was a good start. I also want to make it a goal to do acts of service like this all through the year, not just during the holidays.
I have to admit, we had so much fun delivering the meals. We took our niece and nephew with us along with Little E. They had so much fun carrying the meals to the front doors and we delivered 15 meals. It was a small gesture but many of the people were so happy to see little ones delivering their dinner that day. I loved seeing my 3 year old giving of herself, even if she didn't know it.

So as we now officially enter the Christmas season, I am thinking about joy and what it means to rejoice. To me, living a life of gratitude is at the heart of joy.

"Who is rich? He that rejoices in his portion."-Benjamin Franklin


Happy Thanksgiving!

A Woven Thread

As this adoption process has taken its course, I have been surprised by the reactions we have gotten from people. The reactions have been all across the board. From outright joy, guarded optimism to negative reactions. One of the most encouraging thing about this process is how many people we have come in contact with because of the process. We have made new friends as we seek out parents who have walked this road. We have been reaching out to people we never would have otherwise in an effort to gain as much insight and firsthand knowledge we can. Our lives have been enriched through through the process alone.

In an effort to get some baby items that we do not have, Megan posted a listing on Freecycle (think Craigslist but free). We have given a lot of our unwanted items away via Freecycle. Well Megan asked if people had certain items and many strangers responded generously with many different items. One went as far to read this blog and email Megan. She told Megan how encouraged she was by the blog and how it touched her. This is a woman we would have never come in contact with. That is just one example, there are many more.

The other night Megan and I were listening to a Tim Keller message on Justice. He made an illustration about our lives being one thread of fabric-- woven, interlacing, touching hundreds of other threads. When woven properly all the threads create a strong fabric. Many of my friends and I email on many different "threads" about sports, life and many other topics. It has been amazing for Megan and I to see these threads of ours, the people we have woven our lives with, come to our aid. With financial help, with uplifting spirits and encouragement in so many ways. We might not see or talk to these friends as often as we would like but these threads have been woven tightly and that has been evident. Megan and I do not have our parents or many extended family members in our area. We rely on our friends to be our family.

Our lives and the fabric Megan and I are weaving will forever be altered by an adoption. Many things can stand in your way, scare you off, yet we have endured. We know we have friends close and family afar that will help and support us. That is an encouraging thought. We have met strangers and renewed our bonds with old friends through this process which has been an incredible blessing during a time that could be filled with anxiety or worry.

So we wait, patiently and expectantly.

-Seth

Signs You Know Your 3 Year Old Needs A Sibling

So dear little E is very interested in the adoption and asks a lot of questions. Everyone in our family must have babies on the mind lately, her included. Just a few of the funny things she has said over the last week:

E: "Mommy, where does a baby come from?"
me: "Hmm, where do YOU think a baby comes from?"
E: "I think it comes from the mailbox."

I didn't have a better answer that day.

After telling her our friends are expecting, her face lit up and she said:
"Yay! I am so glad we get to adopt their baby!" We did have to clarify to her that wasn't exactly how it works.

And my favorite interchange between little E and her friend while they both stood admiring his new little brother:

Little E: "He's so cute!"
friend: "Don't touch him. That's MY brother!"
Little E: "Well I have a baby sister!"
friend: "No you don't!"
Little E: (getting very defensive)"Yes I do! You just can't see her because she just lives in somebody else's tummy!"


I love that she already defends a sibling she hasn't even met yet.

When you struggle to feel grateful

It's been a crazy week for us. Between the rain, a fractured tailbone and a sick 3 year old, my temper has reared it's persistent and ugly head and patience is in short supply around our house.
Last night, I just lost it. I was feeling sorry for myself and very stressed. Little E was crying and I realized just how contagious my attitude is. And I realized, self-pity is probably the biggest obstacle to fully living a life of gratitude.

So today, I am thinking about joy and what it means to rejoice. Despite how I feel.

There's a hymn written in 1882 by a guy named George Matheson. It's been redone by several people in the past several years but despite the antiquated language in the hymn, I think the words are incredibly powerful. The 3rd verse is rolling around my head again and again. "Oh Joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee."
If I could sum up the adoption process and my heart over the last year, that would cover it. Those 14 words would cover the Hope that is present despite the many dark nights. The Joy that pursues despite my despair.


O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Adoption Update

We are seeing some movement on the adoption. We don't have any specifics yet but we're getting information from the agency that things are moving quickly. Our last round of fees is due this week so we are praying for God's provision and keeping our fingers crossed that things continue to move forward.
Please pray for us. There are a lot of unknowns right now but we are very hopeful. Thank you for thinking about us and remembering us in your prayers.

Birthmothers

When thinking about gratitude this month, I can't help but think of our child's birth mother.

I think of the hours and hours she has likely spent thinking about this decision. I think about the people she had to face at work, school and in her family who might not agree with her decision. All of the time she spent carrying a baby she knew she would never bring home. When I think of her, I can't help but be overwhelmed by an unspeakable gratitude.

Who is this courageous woman who would be so selfless as to trust me with her child? Where does one come up with that level of strength? Delivering a baby and then being discharged to go home without that little one in your arms is an experience I still struggle to fathom.

How do I honor her sacrifice? How do I show my gratitude? How will I live in a way that respects her sacrifice and courage?

When I struggle with self-doubt or worry I'm not cut out to be an adoptive parent, I'll think of her.

Seth on Waiting

At this juncture, there is not a lot for us to be doing.  We have no more paper work to fill out, no meetings with the agency coming up, no interviews, nothing.  We have nothing to do.  With nothing on the horizon, no process that needs our attention, my question has been "What do we do now?".  Well, we have been active for sure.  We have been learning to wait, not passively waiting, but making use of our time.  We have been taking steps to strengthen our walks, strengthen our marriage.  This time which easily could be wasted on worry and impatience is, I think, being used wisely.  That being said, as I wait I still want something to happen. I am still eager for a call from the agency.  Megan has been (and I will be) reading some good books on adoption and what not.  In one book the author suggests to truly prepare for adoption, you must take care of all of your "issues" first. I liked that idea. Not that we will have it all figured out; I wish that were the case. But it does put it into our minds to seek out what questions we have. To really dig deeper. We are seeking out parents who have adopted, reading articles and books.  We are discussions our own lives, our experiences and how they relate to what we are embarking on.  It has been an exciting time for me.

Late last week I decided to call the agency since it had been nearly a month since we last checked in.  While there was no news of a baby waiting for us, it was great just to get an update.  However, the strangest thing happened. The agency director told us that 2 weeks ago, a baby had been matched with a family. And just this week the birth mother called and decided she wanted to parent and the baby was returned to her. We are prepared for this since Maryland has a 30 day wait period. During this time, we know our baby will go to cradle care. However, after the call both Megan and I thought how hard that must be. To get "the call" and then two weeks later have the mother change her mind.  Suddenly, the light bulb went off for Megan and I. The timing of everything was too perfect. The agency had almost matched us with a birth mother due in mid-October but through a series of strange events, we declined the match.  While we do not know definitively that this would have been our match, the timing makes sense.  We did not get matched with this baby and in hindsight we may have been protected.  

Megan and I listened to a Tim Keller message last night about fear. One idea (and I am paraphrasing), is that we go through hardships for growth.  At times we go through small hardships to grow us and alert us or protect us from a larger hardship.  For whatever reason, the match with that baby did not come through. We were spared the heartbreak of having the match and then having the birth mother change her mind.  I believe that would be much harder than the waiting we're in now.

So we wait, yet we wait expectantly and with purpose.

-Seth

On Being Grateful

The goal for writing about gratitude was to simply cultivate a greater understanding of what it means to have a grateful heart.
Until recently, I'm not sure I knew exactly what it really meant to be grateful. Don't get me wrong, I've felt deep appreciation and sincere thanks but nothing like this. This has brought me to my knees in tears. Literally left speechless (and if you know me, that's quite an accomplishment).
My cup overflows.

It's not just the financial support we have received for the adoption, it is more than that. It's realizing that after a year that has shattered my sense of self and balance, that has made me question my sanity and ability to survive, after all of that, there is a story. And as I shakily try to put together the pieces of that story and create a new one, people reach out. They respond. And pray. And encourage. What an incredible gift that is.

"Thank you" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Orphan Sunday

Today many churches across the country celebrated Orphan Sunday. The Orphan Sunday campaign seeks to make Christian families and churches aware and responsive to national and global orphan issues.
Since Orphan Sunday also falls during National Adoption Month, I wanted to put together some resources for anyone interested in learning more about orphan and adoption.

According to the Christian Alliance for Orphans, there are an estimated 18.3 million orphans world wide. If you are interested in learning more about Orphan Sunday, please visit the Christian Alliance for Orphans website for more information.

Why should we care about orphans and adoption? As an adopted person, I personally have a special interest in adoption and orphan issues, but it goes deeper than that. Most importantly, to the heart of our own adoption (more on that later). But also because it's our job (James 1:27)

On Being Grateful For Waiting

After my previous post on waiting, the proverbial light bulb went on above my head and I realized I was missing an opportunity.

As a product of the '80s, I am not used to waiting. I live in a world that rarely waits for anything! I microwave my food, I can drive anywhere I want to go, and I have most of my desires met without much waiting. However, during this time of waiting, I find myself striving vigorously to make good use of this time. I could be knitting baby hats, training for a marathon or refinishing antique furniture while I wait. I may do some of that (not the knitting) but my main goal during this time is growth. It can take an extreme amount of discipline and contemplation to wait for something while knowing ultimately, you may never see it happen. However, to view waiting as passivity is a missed opportunity.

I heard one writer put it this way, "I had tended to view waiting as mere passivity. When I looked it up in my dictionary however, I found that the words passive and passion come from the same Latin root, pati, which means 'to endure.' Waiting is thus both passive and passionate. It's a vibrant, contemplative work. It means descending into self, into God, into the deeper labyrinths of prayer. It involves listening to disinherited voices within, facing the wounded holes in the soul, the denied and undiscovered, the places one lives falsely. It means struggling with the vision of who we really are in God and molding the courage to live that vision."

I don't know anything about the writer, but she got that part right. It is vibrant, contemplative work. And it's also hard work. However, it is not a trial to be overcome or simply bear. Waiting, if made useful, can be an intentional time of mental and spiritual discipline. Thus, I am grateful for the wait.
-Megan

Agency Check In

We decided to start making a phone call to our adoption agency at the beginning of each month just to check in. Seth talked to Dr. K (agency director) last night and although he didn't have any new information, just reaching out to him always makes us feel better.
As of right now, there are no birth mothers due until March, but of course that can change any day if a new birth mother contacts the agency. However, it's looking like our baby may be born sometime in the spring. But just like with anything else, there are no guarantees.  So, for now we are content with these monthly "check ins" to let us still feel connected with the process and to keep ourselves sane.

Thanks for your continued support! I know reading a blog about waiting is the equivalent of watching paint dry but we are grateful for your support!

On Being Grateful For Loss

November is home to Thanksgiving as well as being National Adoption Month. In the spirit of what this month means, I am starting a new series on being grateful. As C.S. Lewis said, "We ought to give thanks for all fortune: if it is 'good' because it is good, if 'bad' because it works in us patience, humility and the contempt of this world and the hope of our eternal country."

Today my goal is to muster up the courage to say something difficult and truly mean it.


I am grateful for loss. 


I am grateful for the razor-edged and searing experience of loss that shook me to my core. For an experience so profound that it has claimed pieces of my heart. I am grateful for loss because it makes what I had that much sweeter. While I am not grateful that my sister died, I am grateful for the changes the loss has produced. And that's hard to admit.
Lewis said in The Problem of Pain, "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf word."

While her loss is so incredibly painful still, I am so grateful to have had a sister. And part of having her was also losing her.

-Megan

What It Means To Have Hope

I listened to an incredible podcast by Tim Keller yesterday that really got me thinking. The message was about a crushed spirit. It's too long to summarize but I suggest it to anyone who is struggling with what Keller calls "existential angst" or who is simply put, feeling crushed.
Here is some of what he says:

"We human beings are obsessed with the idea that our happiness is determined by our external circumstances. That our happiness is completely determined by whether our body is healthy or whether or body looks good. Whether we have money or whether people are treating us right...Happiness is determined by how you deal with your circumstances. From the inside.

If your life is all broken, everything is wrong, and your spirit is strong and powerful, you move out into the world in strength. But if everything about your life is going fine...but your spirit is crushed, you move out into the world in weakness."

Frankly, when you are truly "crushed in spirit" as I have been over the last year, happiness is a foreign concept. Sure, there are moments to smile or share a laugh, but true happiness, or better yet, joy, is hard to find. Yet, in the midst of so much sorrow, there is a hope. Sometimes I don't even want to admit it. It's scary to hope. It requires looking up from licking your wounds. Sometimes so small and scarce I forget it's even there. My hope (or yours) can't be in the reconciliation of a relationship, or healing from grief or loss, it can't be in my relationship with my husband or my daughter's future. All of things can be taken away so quickly. I think this is something most people know, but it's something that requires such daily effort for me to remember.

And the thing that I come back to again and again is that at the end of the day my hope is not in this adoption or the child we hope to bring home. I am hopeful, but that is not my hope.

I still long for my sister, the baby we lost, or the health I once had. But I am slowly realizing the longing is deeper than that. More intimate and secret. Something that's almost too difficult to articulate. It's the longing for a true home. Not in the "I have adoption issues sense" but a true eternal home. One without pain or suffering or sickness or death. It's an eternal longing that eclipses my crushed spirit. A longing that draws me closer to heaven and draws out that hope that seems so hidden sometimes.

So today I choose, despite the crushing weight of loss, to move out into the world in strength. And lucky for me, it's a strength that's not my own.

-Megan