So it's been 4 months...

First of all let me say, how do people shower exercise think have intelligent conversation blog with a newborn baby in their house? I've never figured that out!

Now that I've got that off my chest...
We've been home 4 months and I'm just now starting to feel like we have our feet on solid ground again. To say that bringing Cora home threw us for a loop would be a major understatement. No matter how prepared you think you are, having two kids is a major adjustment! That being said, things seem to finally be normalizing and we are starting to enjoy Cora more and more. We aren't sleeping much at night (still) but I think we're making progress and that's what counts at this point.

The adjustment to bringing Cora home has been made more difficult by an abbreviated maternity leave (8 weeks instead of the 12 I had scheduled). Now that I am fully back to work and we have more of a routine we are starting to feel more and more like family.

I am the first to admit it was not an instantaneous event. I wasn't entirely connected with Ella at birth either, but the bonding with Cora has happened slower than I would have liked. I have often felt frustrated by this since I always (naively) assumed that because I am adopted I would bond with an adopted child perfectly and immediately. Not so. I am also realizing that bonding is a "two steps forward, 3 steps back" sort of process and "feeling" bonded isn't always the best measuring stick by which I should define how well we are doing.

So, in short, we are now over the biggest hurdle of adjusting to Cora being home and are finally seeing the fruits of our proverbial "labor" with Cora. She is an incredible little girl and we love seeing her personality develop. We are truly blessed and despite how difficult the last few months have been, it has mostly been that way because of my attitude and my own selfishness. I have realized things are slowly improving at the same rate I am letting go of my unrealistic expectations and showing myself more grace. We are truly blessed and feeling more prepared for the days ahead.

And I figured it might be time for an updated picture! Here's our little lady in her Easter dress.

"It's just so hard being a big sister sometimes"

Recently, after a particularly tearful and frustrating day, Ella approached me fully dressed in a princess ball gown and tiara. She had tears in her eyes and said "Mommy, it's just so hard being a big sister sometimes." She proceeded to tell me that she wanted to be the one to change the baby's diaper and feed all of the bottles. She said, "You get to do all of the big sister stuff!" Of course my first inclination was just to laugh because it was so cute but I realized to her these were real struggles. She genuinely wanted to care for Cora and it was incredibly touching to see how real her desire is to be the big sister.

Later that night as I was downloading recent pictures from our camera, I ran across this one.

I held my breath. It was almost identical to my favorite picture of me and my sister. It still catches me by surprise each time I see it. The innocence is breathtaking and so incredibly bittersweet.

After I studying those two images, I couldn't help but agree. Being a big sister is hard. Harder than I could have imagined. You can't always be the protector, teacher, or confidant. You can't always reminisce about the past or tell each other secrets or remember a shared history.

It's sometimes heartbreaking to watch these two little girls forge such a bond and not let the cynic or grief-stricken part of me ruin these times of innocence. I often fight back tears as I realize I have no idea or control over what sort of bond these two will have. Or how they will hurt each other or how close their relationship will be. The only thing I can hope is that they will share fond memories of a childhood filled with the partnership and companionship of a sister. The rest is too difficult to fathom right now.

But I was recently reminded of the poem "Goblin Market" that I read in a Victorian literature class in college. It's the cautionary tale of two sisters, Laura and Lizzie. In the poem, Laura becomes deathly ill as a result of tasting the forbidden fruit. Lizzie, in a final effort to save her sister, returns to the market and is nearly killed herself by the goblins but manages to save her sister's life.

The poem ends as the two women are both mothers and look back on the experience and tell their children:

"For there is no friend like a sister,
In calm or stormy weather,
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands."

Almost a month already?

Well it's been almost a month since we brought our dear Cora home. Between hosting both sets of our parents, Christmas, and adjusting to life with a newborn, the last three weeks have been a whirlwind.
We are so grateful to finally be done with the waiting! However we have definitely found there were a lot of things we have forgotten about having a newborn. In addition to being up quite a bit at night, we are still trying to figure out how to parent two kids at the same time. Needless to say, there are moments I have felt like I am not prepared for this!

However, what has been most interesting to realize there has been a shift. A subtle one, but a shift nonetheless. We are no longer perceived as just another seemingly "normal" family. We get some interesting comments and stares when we are out with our little brood. Mostly positive and a ton of questions but it has been interesting getting used to the attention and questions.

We are trying to be very open and upfront in our discussions with people. The mostly commonly asked questions is "Where is she from?" followed closely by "Whose baby is that?". We are not offended of course and are trying to use these questions as a way to open the dialogue about adoption and our experience.

It has been interesting to see the assumptions people make about Cora's birth mother and we are quick to put those to rest. For such a brave act, there seems to be so many negative misconceptions about birth mothers, their lifestyles and choices. While respecting her privacy, we always want to be sure people know hers was a selfless, well-contemplated choice.

All in all, we are learning to adjust to being a family of 4 and learning that most people are curious, not malicious, in their questions. It has been an eye opening few weeks and I have a feeling this is only the beginning.

Cora's "Gotcha Day"

Ella has thought a lot about being a big sister. Here is Ella's message to Cora on her "Gotcha Day" 12/9/2011.

Introducing Cora Kalyn

This has been an amazing process.Our family has seen God's provision in so many ways through this journey. Many of our friends have come alongside us and helped us get to this day. I am honestly speechless. We are so in love. Without further ado...

Cora Kalyn Emhoff
born 11/9/11 and welcomed home 12/9/11

We Exceeded Our Goal

Wow! Thank all of you who sponsored puzzle pieces! We are so humbled by the incredible response to our fundraising efforts. Thank you for everyone who emailed, wrote kind notes, donated and prayed for us. We raised a total of $6535 toward the cost of our adoption! What an amazing group of friends and family we have. We couldn't be more amazed by the generosity people have show to our family. Thank you more than we can express. We are making plans to assist other adoptive families financially in the future. Stay tuned for more information on that in the coming months!

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory." Ephesians 3:20-21

When Joy Is Hard to Find

So after spending a month writing and thinking about gratitude and working to live out of a more grateful heart, you would think I would be ready to think about Joy.

Think again.

While I have absolutely no reason to be irritable or discontent, I have found over the last several days that my mood has soured and I am incredibly "un-joyful". I'm frustrated that Little E seems to have forgotten how to obey. I'm frustrated by things that are out of my control at work. I am irritated that clutter seems to invade my house when I am already feeling maxed out.

However, it seems that the biggest threat to Joy in my life is my preoccupation with myself. I am most often joyless when I am focused on what will make my life easier or pleasurable.

John Ortberg says, "True joy, as it turns out, comes only to those who have devoted their lives to something greater than personal happiness." He goes on to say, "If we don't rejoice today, we will not rejoice at all. If we wait until conditions are perfect, we will still be waiting when we die." That is me to a T.
For so long I have told myself (consciously and unconsciously) that when my house is updated, when I have an advanced degree, when our adoption is finalized, when I have a prestigious job, when we have more money or when I finally become the person I want to be, then and only then, I will be happy and be joyful. Perhaps I don't say those things but all too often my actions reflect these whispers of my heart.

So I'm starting to think Joy is a choice. And a tough one that seems to take some practice. One that frankly, I haven't felt like making lately. So here's to practice!

Today, despite how I feel, I'm choosing Joy. I'm going to start by eating the 5 remaining Thin Mint cookies in my cupboard and conquering my to-do list for work. I am ignoring (for the moment) the state of clutter in my house and the clothes that need to get to the dry cleaners. I will pick up Little E from pre-school today with a smile on my face and genuinely appreciate her constant chatter in the car. Things aren't perfect (and really they never will be) so today I'm choosing Joy.